Its weird how my brain only functions at night thinking bout the past and everything that I've done, or shit that i should have not.
Sometimes i wonder why I cant deal with people. Not friends or whatsoever but with the people who has been giving me a lot of attention. Someone who i might have something towards, but will nvr confess or go up to. reason for calling myself an ass, now that you know.I cant help it, I'm just like that. I don't step up and will never will, at least for now..
I really wanna b someone who can listen to you, who can just be myself when we're out together but i failed badly each and every fucking time. and why is that? Funny, i dont even know. it feels hard to feel comfortable around you where i just cant be myself and thats really fucked up.
Do you even know what i want? No one knows i guess cos i really dont know it myself. Seriously at this age, i should at least know what i need or what i like. Sadly, i dont. the only thing i will ever priorotize are family and friends. Relationships is your asking? No. So queer why i nvr did gave chances to people around me, so shitty why i dont even wanna try doing something that i should. Instead, i fucked things up. nicely. indirectly. i know. I've been told, too many times that it feels so numb when someone else tells me that again. Nothing surprising, i'm a fucking stone.
I need help. Someone seriously need to change me. I cant live like this forever. Things could be better but nooo, i had to do something just to push the sparks away? I had to talk like you owe me one fucking million dollars. But thats not what its like, i did not intend to be cold, i did not intend to be someone without emotions. And people calling me heartless whether or not its a joke, well i pretty much think i am. i just wanna know what changed me, cause i wasnt like that 2 years back. I want to think that i was way better back then, and i should be improving by now but why am i not. whats stopping me from doing so? can someone just tell me off?
All i think of now is, i just wanna have fun. I just wanna have fun and all the fun i can have. Parents are obviously an obstacle but i think thats the only way for me to break free. I dont wanna think ahead bout anything at all. Just think whatever you like. U might think that i've changed like many did, i'm not surprised cos i'm not what you think or what u expect. I'm someone you cant rely on, no one can. really. I'm not perfect i dont wanan be perfect. I'm not someone you can even trust. its good though. Cos selfishly thinking i dont need extra burden. I have more than enough friends and thats what i need. So if you're just gonna give me nothing but trouble, i'll just fuck myself awayfrom you. Its not anyone to blame but myself. The shit that i put on my own head so its for me to mend but since i cant do it, we'll just have to do it the childish way, if you know what i mean.Its so true that you cant rely on a person until you really know them well.Take it as a lesson. I M N S. I deserve nothing.
xoxo
I M N S
Sometimes i wonder why I cant deal with people. Not friends or whatsoever but with the people who has been giving me a lot of attention. Someone who i might have something towards, but will nvr confess or go up to. reason for calling myself an ass, now that you know.I cant help it, I'm just like that. I don't step up and will never will, at least for now..
I really wanna b someone who can listen to you, who can just be myself when we're out together but i failed badly each and every fucking time. and why is that? Funny, i dont even know. it feels hard to feel comfortable around you where i just cant be myself and thats really fucked up.
Do you even know what i want? No one knows i guess cos i really dont know it myself. Seriously at this age, i should at least know what i need or what i like. Sadly, i dont. the only thing i will ever priorotize are family and friends. Relationships is your asking? No. So queer why i nvr did gave chances to people around me, so shitty why i dont even wanna try doing something that i should. Instead, i fucked things up. nicely. indirectly. i know. I've been told, too many times that it feels so numb when someone else tells me that again. Nothing surprising, i'm a fucking stone.
I need help. Someone seriously need to change me. I cant live like this forever. Things could be better but nooo, i had to do something just to push the sparks away? I had to talk like you owe me one fucking million dollars. But thats not what its like, i did not intend to be cold, i did not intend to be someone without emotions. And people calling me heartless whether or not its a joke, well i pretty much think i am. i just wanna know what changed me, cause i wasnt like that 2 years back. I want to think that i was way better back then, and i should be improving by now but why am i not. whats stopping me from doing so? can someone just tell me off?
All i think of now is, i just wanna have fun. I just wanna have fun and all the fun i can have. Parents are obviously an obstacle but i think thats the only way for me to break free. I dont wanna think ahead bout anything at all. Just think whatever you like. U might think that i've changed like many did, i'm not surprised cos i'm not what you think or what u expect. I'm someone you cant rely on, no one can. really. I'm not perfect i dont wanan be perfect. I'm not someone you can even trust. its good though. Cos selfishly thinking i dont need extra burden. I have more than enough friends and thats what i need. So if you're just gonna give me nothing but trouble, i'll just fuck myself awayfrom you. Its not anyone to blame but myself. The shit that i put on my own head so its for me to mend but since i cant do it, we'll just have to do it the childish way, if you know what i mean.Its so true that you cant rely on a person until you really know them well.Take it as a lesson. I M N S. I deserve nothing.
xoxo
I M N S
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