Sunday, April 25, 2010

xx - xx

I nvr thought I could come up with this.

Fuck the balls, get the ball rolling.

Have u ever attempted to do something indirectly w/o making it too obvious in order to get what you need/want at that moment when the other party wasn't paying much attention to it as well?

haha fuck that I dont even get myself right now.

And one night changed everything.

Things always seemed to be more difficult when you cant make up your mind.

Ridiculous I would say, RIDICULOUS.

One way or the other, I'm just too lazy to do anything right now.

I just wanna get busy, stay confused, and nvr wake up.

I like the feeling of that, of course :)




Monday, March 22, 2010

This time around?

I dont expect anything in return

I just wanna give you my 101%

what i could have but did not.

its a promise.


Saturday, March 6, 2010

I dont think I m n s. I M an ass.

why make simple things complicated? when it is suppose to be a piece of cake.

sometimes i feel mad at myself for being such an ass.

sometimes i wonder why i never tried giving you what i could.

sometimes i really regret the fact that i made you wait and all i do is, nothing.

sometimes i hate it when i cant express how i feel towards you.

All and all, things are not easy for me. How should I handle you when I cant even handle my own feelings.

I have been trying to deny facts that are claimed true by others. I tried to make everything seem normal when it comes to us but the more I try, the more I come to realize that, your not just a friend.

I really dont wanna repeat my mistakes by fucking you upside down. I really dont.

At the same time, i dont know how to make myself someone reliable cos i'm not.

I dont do commitments. I know its not fair and it's too early to say this cos I havent been into a proper one but somehow instincts just told me so. Previous incidents? Lets not go there shall we? All i know is, there's no one to blame but myself.

I dont wanna play with your feelings anymore. I never did.

Lets just pretend that nothing has ever happened. I am really capable of doing only that.

Know what, fuck me.

Say goodbye to feelings.
Say goodbye to complications.
Say goodbye to everything bout you.
Say hello to goodbye....


Monday, March 1, 2010


My knees are fucked.

and its hurting like a bitch.


dint think it would hurt that badly at first. clearly, i was wrong.


yeap, thats all about futsal.

ran, dribbled and dragged.

It was good exercise though. should be doing it more often from now on.:)

anyways cant wait to party with the friends this week! phuture flow baybeee!!

till then..


Sunday, January 31, 2010


mind the title btw.its prolly something i need right now.

its weird how i only blog when i feel uneasy bout certain things
but sometimes when i'm feeling it i cant really blog cos i dont know where and how to start,
just like now..

this few months made me realize that so many things changed
i just visited my granma and she looks really frail now.
recalling the times back then when she took care of all of us when we were younger,
i dont know but somehow it hurts.
i know its normal. ppl get older and they leave. thats something that i'll have to accept.
but the fact that me myself being so ignorant bout many things just made it worse
yes, i take things for granted and it might be too late to repent.
or maybe not...
i'll keep that in mind

My parents have not been in good terms these days
every sentence they make, there has to be something bout splitting up
Weird. it doesn't bother me. i wonder why.
i dont even know how to explain myself right now
where i dont feel a thing when they start arguing or start making statements bout getting a divorce.
it sucks. i care but i'm not good at showing it.
and that i feel robotic and cold blooded every time this happens. whats happening?
Am i being an ass? or rather less emotional?
well, i just thought to myself that, if ever two person are not happy with each other,
then just fucking split up. save your anger and shouting about on something better.
Fucked up to say that when they're my parents?
Tell it to my face then. But dont fucking tell me shit bout..
you dont know how it feels when this or that.
doesnt work. you've been through hell and its not like i did not. everyone's different.
Its too early to complain when you're just me on that.

The fact is that, i wanna move out and live on my own
but i nvr had the guts to tell my mum. I know she would be furious.
and you think its that easy? aint that easy i tell you.
esp when you start off with the monthly bills.
yes, i dont wanna rely on my parents once i start working.
i wanna feel the freedom without having parents around.
selfish to say that. But i hate it when my mum starts to control.
i know i should not be saying that, cos theres a valid reason for it.
theres so many things that i've done to made her do this to me
but hey, i'm almost an adult now.
why would you still control me like i'm your fucking tv?
I'm sorry but i seriously hate it.
I know you care i know its love but clearly,
we're two different individuals
things that i like would be the last on your list
things that i do would be the things that you despise.
how do we work things out when both are equally stubborn?
you just cant.

Is is that hard to say no to someone?
that occurs to me. and i'm still finding my way out this stupidity that i had for years.
and again i know whatever that you guys tell me to do or not to,
its for my own good.
i know that. but i guess i'm old enough to at least decide for myself?
its up to my own consequences.there's where i learn isn't?
i appreciate it whenever friends try to help or try to give you the best
but during certain times, i'd prefer it if you just let me do what i wanna do.
I'm not perfect i know i might be stupid i might be ignorant
aaaahhhhhhhhhhh its so tiring
when you feel like a baby at home, and outside sometimes.
right now, i feel fucking down.
i'm not having my so called emotional moments
just pissed offf bout many things.

I just wanna sit, grab a pizza or burger with extra cheese and nachos, together with cigarettes and beer. and a companion of course.just one girl :)
i have her just in mind right now :))) perfect.
sounds like heaven to me :)

thanks and bye


Friday, January 22, 2010

Friend or Foe

Right, speaking of friends
sometimes i wonder how we all come together as one
I would like to think that right now, I'm having the awesomest bunch of friends ever, not to think actually. I DO have the awesomest bunch of fucktards around me.
Thank God for that :)
Nevertheless, would we come as one 10 years later?
I should not ask i know. Friends come friends go. Some say friends dont last forever.
Well then guess what, fuck you. Fuck all those bull shit.I will make it a point to prove my ass of that friends DO and CAN last forever.
Of course, it depends on individual and how much you value the friendship,literally.
And personally speaking,i'd admit that friends are always and will always be the priority after family. Boyfriend? fuckyou. again. I know it doesnt sound fair when I say this due to the fact that i'm pretty much SINGELETO for 22 years.But well, thats just me and lucky for my friends i would say? haha. IF only they know. Or maybe, they do:)
I would'nt tell how much would i sacrifice for a friend or so, just actions do their thing. you just sit n watch. I wouldnt say i've been through massive ups and downs with my friends too, though there are times when you get annoyed or you just dont agree with what they say but well, who doesnt go through shitty periods when it comes to friends right? IF you think your going through the worst right now, think about 10 years later. how would u handle them?
right now, looking at a bestie of mine sherrie yeap falling asleep next to me, just made me smile. U sleep like a baby, btw.haha.
I dont know, this post is so random. But yea.just caught myself into some thinking and this made me feel like a million dollars. Having such superb friends surrounding me, where you know you can count on them whenever needed, and vise versa of course.
gtg, shes awake and talking like a dunkard now lmao.
i just wanna say lastly, THANK YOU ALL for everything. All the best to all of us and say hi to forever :) no, i'm not dying or commiting suicide LAH.just a happy thought.

Monday, November 30, 2009


Its weird how my brain only functions at night thinking bout the past and everything that I've done, or shit that i should have not.

Sometimes i wonder why I cant deal with people. Not friends or whatsoever but with the people who has been giving me a lot of attention. Someone who i might have something towards, but will nvr confess or go up to. reason for calling myself an ass, now that you know.I cant help it, I'm just like that. I don't step up and will never will, at least for now..

I really wanna b someone who can listen to you, who can just be myself when we're out together but i failed badly each and every fucking time. and why is that? Funny, i dont even know. it feels hard to feel comfortable around you where i just cant be myself and thats really fucked up.

Do you even know what i want? No one knows i guess cos i really dont know it myself. Seriously at this age, i should at least know what i need or what i like. Sadly, i dont. the only thing i will ever priorotize are family and friends. Relationships is your asking? No. So queer why i nvr did gave chances to people around me, so shitty why i dont even wanna try doing something that i should. Instead, i fucked things up. nicely. indirectly. i know. I've been told, too many times that it feels so numb when someone else tells me that again. Nothing surprising, i'm a fucking stone.

I need help. Someone seriously need to change me. I cant live like this forever. Things could be better but nooo, i had to do something just to push the sparks away? I had to talk like you owe me one fucking million dollars. But thats not what its like, i did not intend to be cold, i did not intend to be someone without emotions. And people calling me heartless whether or not its a joke, well i pretty much think i am. i just wanna know what changed me, cause i wasnt like that 2 years back. I want to think that i was way better back then, and i should be improving by now but why am i not. whats stopping me from doing so? can someone just tell me off?

All i think of now is, i just wanna have fun. I just wanna have fun and all the fun i can have. Parents are obviously an obstacle but i think thats the only way for me to break free. I dont wanna think ahead bout anything at all. Just think whatever you like. U might think that i've changed like many did, i'm not surprised cos i'm not what you think or what u expect. I'm someone you cant rely on, no one can. really. I'm not perfect i dont wanan be perfect. I'm not someone you can even trust. its good though. Cos selfishly thinking i dont need extra burden. I have more than enough friends and thats what i need. So if you're just gonna give me nothing but trouble, i'll just fuck myself awayfrom you. Its not anyone to blame but myself. The shit that i put on my own head so its for me to mend but since i cant do it, we'll just have to do it the childish way, if you know what i mean.Its so true that you cant rely on a person until you really know them well.Take it as a lesson. I M N S. I deserve nothing.